Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
we should paint friendship bongs
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
