I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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