Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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