Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
