Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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