we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
They have beer where we have blood.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
