I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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