he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
