How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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