Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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