You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
