And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
