Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
