Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
