I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She needs sedatives and a leash
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize
