i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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