just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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