He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
