i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
