Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
