I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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