I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
This couple is walking their pig around campus
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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