i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
