You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
