my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Randomize
