I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
