I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
