At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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