she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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