So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
