Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
