Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
