I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
