he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I have fence marks all over my body
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
