I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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