you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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