Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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