someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
