I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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