i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I want to be your penis for a week.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
