my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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