You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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