mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
