Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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