Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
