i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
