did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
