I heard we made out
we're chasing vodka with high fives
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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