I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
