Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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