i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
